Bad Habits

The Associated Press recently asked the presidential candidates from the two major parties what they would consider to be their worst bad habits. After reading them over, it became even more apparent to me why it is more important now than it ever has been to drop the two party system!

The AP article says they “did not fess up to anything that would sink the republic”, but I beg to differ. It is incredibly obvious to me that these people can NOT be trusted with their finger on the big red button! (And I don’t mean the ‘easy’ button.)
Here are some of the candidates’ responses to the question of “what is you worst habit?”

Joe Biden: “Too many to list. :)”

My take… How can we trust a man to lead the free world when he is constantly battling with his own demons? And what are they, anyway? Is he afraid to come clean? Does he like to drop-kick puppy dogs? Steal Girl Scout candy?? Rob from the Medicaid account to fund pork projects in his home state of Delaware??? Oh wait… that one’s probably true… Anyway, if he admits to having too many to name, how can we trust the man?

But you know why we REALLY can’t trust this man with presidential power? Imagine this scenario…

Russian President: “Mr. President, we take very seriously your country’s threat to boycott those furry-flip caps from Russia just because of our policy of killing innocent people in Russian school houses…”

President Biden: “Mr. President, we deeply regret this decision and will miss those warm Russian hats immensely, but we simply cannot stand by while your soldiers gun down innocent citizens. We do hope you understand. :)”

Do we really want all of our presidential correspondence ending with a “:)”?!

Hillary Clinton: “Chocolate.”

My take… I really can’t picture our foreign policy being decided on the price of chocolate… I’m perfectly happy with OPEC and the giant oil companies controlling my life, thank you very much! I mean… can you imagine a world where poor, foreign cocoa growers have the power to shove their foreign chocolate products down our throats? I say we need to stop our dependency on foreign cocoa and encourage AMERICAN cocoa exploration efforts! Let’s drill in ANWR!

And besides… I’m not sure Hillary wouldn’t give the Canadians all of our nuclear secrets in exchange for some of those yummy chocolate bars we can’t get down here in the states…

Dennis Kucinich: “Ask my wife, Elizabeth.”

My take… This one’s too easy…

Secretary of Energy: “Mr. President, how can we wean Americans from their dependency on foreign oil?”

President Kucinich: “Ask my wife, Elizabeth.”

Governor of Florida: “Mr. President, where’s that aid you promised from our recent hurricane?”
President Kucinich: “Ask my wife, Elizabeth.”

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs: “Mr. President, our nuclear missiles are in place and ready for the launch… we’re awaiting your command.”

President Kucinich: “Ask my…” Oh… I think you get the idea…

Rudy Giuliani: “Talking too much.”

My Take… I have it from a very unreliable source (me) that there has been speculation that the AP heavily edited the mayor’s response to “Talking to much” from…

“Talking too much. You see, sometimes I just can’t help myself, I just hafta keep talking. Every time I think I should just shut up I find my gums out flapping away… flap flap flap! Can anyone shut me up? Anyone BESIDES John McCain? Like answering this question… simply saying ‘talking too much’ would have probably sufficed but noooo… I have to keep gabbing away… Like when I’m on the campaign trail and I just HAVE to keep spouting off about my record of reducing crime in New York… I know everyone in the country has heard it… like… what? A ga-zillion times? But it doesn’t matter because I just LOVE the sound of my own voice… hey… maybe that’s why I talk too much… maybe I’m addicted to hearing the sound of my own voice… Can I change my answer to that? Naw… I’ll just keep it as is… I wouldn’t want to make it more complicated than it seems.”

I can just see President Giuliani addressing the General Assembly at the U.N…. “And that was how I reduced crime in New York… you guys haven’t heard that before, have you?”

Just then, the ambassador from Cameroon leans over to his colleague from Paraguay and says, “This guy talks too much.”

Mike Huckabee: “Channel surfing on TV or radio.”

My take… great… just what we need… a president with ADD. If the guy can’t keep to watching “Lost” without switching over to “Dancing with the Stars”, how can we expect him to stay on task when it matters? A cabinet meeting with President Huckabee:

President Huckabee: “Mr. Secretary, how’re things going over at the Department of Transportation?”

Secretary of Transportation: “Great, Mr. President! We’ve been able to completely re-haul the budget and now we’ll finally be able to…”

President Huckabee: “That’s nice… What about you Madam Secretary? What’s the latest from the Department of Education?”

Secretary of Education: “Mr. President, not so good. Test scores from every major metropolitan area are down and…”

President Huckabee: “Perfect. OK, so what’s the latest from Iraq?”

Secretary of Defense: “Well, Mr. President, our soldiers have taken some heavy casualties lately. The latest deployment plan is…”

President Huckabee: “Great meeting everyone! Let’s adjourn so I can go catch the finale of ‘24’ tonight!”

Mitt Romney: “Fidgeting.”

My take… I don’t have much to say about this. I just don’t like it. Seems kind of shifty to me… Fidgeting? That’s the best he can come up with? I think he’s hiding something.

Ron Paul: No answer.

My take… This guy is so concerned about keeping government accountable to the people and following the Constitution that he probably couldn’t take the time to answer these silly questions from the AP. Well, Mr. Paul… how are we, the people, supposed to know what your bad habits are? Or your favorite TV show? Or what time you wake up? C’mon man! Loosen up and have some fun! Stop worrying about the darn Constitution for one minute and answer the questions everyone wants to know! What IS your favorite ice cream topping?!?!

My take on all of this… obviously, with these clowns running, we can’t vote for anyone from the two major parties. Do you want a chocoholic outsourcing cocoa processing jobs to those dirty Canadians?! Me neither… and since the Greens are a bunch of Commies… the only logical solution is to vote Libertarian!

*Disclaimer… the preceding column was nothing but my attempt at a little political humor. If you did not find it even a little funny, either: a. you are a little too attached to the two party system; b. your underwear are on a little too tight; c. you belong to the Green Party (I can’t help you); or d. I’m just not that funny… :)